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Who Would You Like to Be? Investigating Your Values

Writer's picture: Rjurik DavidsonRjurik Davidson

Two weeks ago, a dear friend – who I’ve known since I was sixteen years old – was taken unexpectedly to hospital. A stomach ache revealed something much more serious. Within days, it became clear that he would not recover.



In the intensive care ward, he was surrounded by machines.



“You’ve gone full cyborg!” I said to him when I visited.



We joked about who he was. This led to a discussion on what was important to him. He emphasised that he didn’t want to end up a “prune.” By this, he meant that he didn’t want to end up not himself.



None of us want to end up not ourselves. But so many of us do.



There’s an idea common in therapy that we must draw a distinction between our “authentic self” and who we’re pretending to be. Or our self and the stories we tell about ourselves and the world.



Jung calls the face we put on for the world the “persona.” This is our “social face.” It’s who we allow the world to see.



He calls that part of us that we have deemed unacceptable the “shadow.” The shadow must be pushed into our unconscious. This might include aspects like anger, or envy, or creativity, or vulnerability. “Good girls don’t get angry,” we might tell ourselves. Or, and this is very common, “I am not creative.”



In the last newsletter, I talked about the distance our stories have from reality. This newsletter is about noticing the distance between our stories about ourselves and who we are. You are not your stories about yourself.



Who are we really, then? How do we find out?



This is the central task of psychotherapy. But here in this newsletter, I want to focus on one component of this – our values.



Who do you want to be? What do you want to offer the world? What would you like to stand for?



Here are some exercises I sometimes give my clients to begin to answer these questions.



Exercise 1: Use the table below to circle some of the values that are important for you. Then add any values that aren’t on the list.




Values List:



Acceptance Accomplishment Beauty Candour Connection



Courage Education Family Growth Honesty Humour



Imagination Independence Inquisitiveness Maturity Pragmatism



Self-control Service Resilience Tranquillity Trust Warmth



Exercise 2: Select three of the values you consider important and rate them on a scale of 1-10.



Where are you falling short? Note those values that you don’t always feel that your behaviours align with. Who would you like to be?



What would it look like if you were to raise your measure by one or two points in those areas?



How could you align your behaviour more to your values? What specific actions could you take? Plan to undertake those actions.



Sign up to my newsletter at primetherapy.net



If you’d like to examine your stories with a compassionate therapist, coach and trainer, email me at rjurik@me.com or find me on my website at primetherapy.net


Best,


Rjurik Davidson

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© 2022 by Rjurik Davidson, Ph.D. Opening Date May 2023.

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